Saying "it"

So, I am a little confused by a conversation I may or may not have had last night. Between lack of sleep, a little vodka, and earlier girly thoughts I am not exactly sure if we had the feelings talk or if I dreamt it. The more that I think about it, I am pretty sure we actually had this talk.

I stayed with him last night since my kid went to his dad's house. We just had one of those perfect nights. When I got there, we sat in the kitchen and talked awhile. Just unwound after the day. I talked about my kid and his ability to turn a grown woman into a 5 year old, we talked about his kids and how they almost kicked his ass at bowling. We talked about this great new cup that we have at my work (his brother already got one), all the benefits of my job, just some really easy conversation. It was one of those moments when you just feel at home with a person. I have never had those moments before, even when I was living with either of my past exes . Then we went and watched some TV where I cuddled up to him and promptly fell asleep. When the show was over, he gently wakes me up and says, "dear, are you ready for bed?" and off we go.

While we were laying together he told me that it was very clear that I was having girly thoughts and he thought he knew what they were. I asked him to tell me what he knew. At first he said his thought was that I was sitting there thinking how great he was (which is true) and how he was just too nice and anytime now I would go back to my pattern of dating the world's biggest assholes. I told him that of course the first part was true but the second, unless he tells me to move along, I am stickin' around for awhile. I told him I also knew that that was not what he was really thinking.

Then I just kinda drifted off to sleep. Then I hear him say, "I know what you want to hear but I am just not ready for that.". I remember for a split second being a little hurt but then grateful that he acknowledged that he knows the way I feel, is not pushing it aside or freaked out by it, but just isn't completely ready to let go of himself. And I respect him for that.

Even if I was dreaming the whole conversation.