Trust.

Trust is seeming to be a lot harder to do. And for once, it isn't me with the issue. I have been thinking that the more Doodle "jokes" about me getting back with any of my exes or similar assholes, the more likely it is that he isn't really joking. He talks about it too much for him to just be picking on me. And now I am positive he really believes that could happen.

I have thought he was holding back from me for awhile but it was expected. In the beginning, we discussed that he wasn't ready to even think about being married or having a serious relationship yet because of all the damage his ex-wife did to him. He is one of the rare people who made his commitment, stuck to it, and planned on doing so forever. She didn't understand that for forever to actually happen, she needed to be honest about things. Really important things. And he was put in a position to end the marriage. After that, women were evil and he (for good reason) has a hard time trusting women.

Now, 4 months into the relationship, he has reminded me that he wasn't planning on being in a serious relationship and now he has gone and done it. And the trust issues are starting to creep into our relationship.

I told him (and invited him but he has his kids) that my friend was having her birthday party weeks ago. The party is today so last night I warned him that it was very likely he would be getting a drunk dial call from me sometime this evening. I apologized in advance for anything I may say. I tend to get very mushy when I am drinking. He told me that was fine just not to do one thing or that would put him over the edge. I asked him what was that one thing. He said if I called him John (the name of multiple exes), that was it. I told him that wouldn't be happening as I absolute despise them and am pretty darn smitten with him. He didn't seem too convinced.

So now I think I may need to have a conversation with him about where I stand on this whole relationship thing and work a little harder at convincing him that I am completely content with my bad ass teddy bear of a boyfriend. I have never genuinely cared for someone this much in my life. With the exes, I had to work really hard to like them. With Doodle, I can't even pull off a glaring look without laughing because it just isn't natural for me to look at him that way. I guess this is the over emotional girl in me talking. And while I think it would make me feel better to tell him all this, I don't think it would have the same effect on him.

Talk is easy, like the vows his ex-wife took. It's all about action. And showing him I care this much will take time. I am VERY impatient but I will just keeping working on it. He is worth every single over emotional thought and the hours I spend thinking them. And they are really starting to add up...