Just right

So, it looks like I have a problem with writing on this thing. So far, it averages to about once a month. Oops.

It's not like I don't have anything to say but really that I don't want to nauseat people with what I have to say. I am that girl. The one who obnoxiously talks about the boyfriend too much. But after this weekend, I feel the need to again share.

I decided we needed to escape for the weekend. You know, get away from the city. (See, I told you. That. Girl.) I booked us a cabin in Leavenworth. A nice, quiet, secluded, no kids, no relatives get away. And this literally has been the best weekend I have had in my life.

The cabin was amazing. A real log cabin in the woods. There was about 2 inches of snow on the ground when we got there. Inside there was two small loveseats, a woodburning stove, a full kitchen, two large (okay, they were a little tiny) bedrooms, and stairs leading up to the loft with two more twin beds and some couches. Outside the windows all you could see were trees. Beautiful, not citified trees. Oh yeah, and outside near the beautiful deck was the hot tub. Amazing.

It was nice knowing that it was just us up there. We didn't have to worry about running into anyone we knew. We could just be us. Together. I knew that all of his attention was focused on me. And all of his affection. I told him I wanted chocolate cake. So we walked through all of the shops in search of that cake. Simply because I had asked for it.

As we sat in the hot tub, all he did was stare at me. He looked me in the eyes and told me I was beautiful and how much he loved me. And at that moment, with the steam rising, the rain dripping, snow on the ground and dark blue skies, I felt myself completely let go. All of the fears I had, every concern I could possibly think of disappeared. This man loves me with every bit of himself. At that moment, I could see it all over his face.

This reality, this understanding that someone can feel or you so deeply is something that can never be completely described. But I wish that everyone of my friends at some point will get to feel like I do with this man. That every woman will get to be "that girl". Because this is even better than the chocolate cake.

Getting Settled

Do you ever just have those feelings that something is just not right? You have no idea what it is there is just...something. And no matter how hard you try to shake it, it just can't be done.

I had a day like that. Saturday. I woke up, and just didn't know what was wrong with me. I had no sniffles. My head was fine. I hadn't drank anything the night before so that wasn't it. I should have felt fine. We had big plans with Doodle and the boys. We were all going to the aquarium in the morning, then off to the drive-in that night. All 5 of us. Doodle got to my house, we took care of some household things and he watched all the boys while I went shopping (what a man...). I got back and we headed to his house.

But he could tell that something was up. He asked me if I was gonna have another freakout. I told him maybe. He asked if it was because of all the boys. I told him I didn't think so but I would atleast wait until they were gone before it happened. But I didn't have to. Apparently we all needed to have a freakout.

The kid and the middle kid had been bickering and fighting all day. The middle kid antagonizes the kid. The kid makes a big deal out of nothing. Both boys want to be in charge. Finally, we hit my last straw. The middle kid smeared off the kids face paint (the had a face painter at the aquarium). I had had it. Apparently so had Doodle.

When we got to his house, we all sat down. Doodle said we would go our way for the day and they would go theirs. Then we all talked. Doodle told the boys we were all hanging out together because I liked him and he liked me. He wanted us all to be a family but they were making this very difficult and we had just about had it. He asked all of them if they wanted us all to be a family or if we should all just go our seperate ways. They all emphatically agreed we should be a family. The boys (minus the kid) we all crying. Doodle asked them if they thought the kid was going to replace them. They shyly said yes. He told them that just as he loves both of them differently, he loves them equally. And that's how he would love the kid. Differently but equally. He would never love any of them anymore than the other. No matter what. And if they had something to say, they could talk to him. And them the kid raises his hand to say something (the whole time he is sitting right next to me with his arm around my shoulder. He doesn't like a crying mama). He tells the boys they can talk to his mom too. I am so proud of that child.

We all finish up our talk then go to clean the playroom. As a family.

Later that night, we all went to the drive-in. We all packed into the back of the big truck to watch the movie together. Me and Doodle in the back, the boys and all the blankets piled around us. And at that moment, something finally settled in me. I don't really know how to explain it except that everything just felt...right. I felt like right there was where I belonged. Completely. I was a part of this. I was a part of all these boys. And I felt like this is exactly what I wanted for the rest of my life. I have said before that I wanted to marry Doodle. But at that moment I realized that I not only wanted him, I wanted his family. Our family.

A mommy moment

Monday was Labor Day. Me and the Auntie decided to take a day trip to Fort Warden in Port Orchard. We didn't tell the kid where we were going or what we were doing. We kept it a surprise.

As we get to Seattle and pull into the ferry docks, the kid starts freaking out. He can't contain himself. He is so excited. And happy. You could see the pleasure on his face.

We get out of the Jeep and go to look at the water as we wait. The kid starts looking for fish. A couple beside us point them out and discuss how they are called a school when they swim. The kid is fascinated by all these new things. Sure, he's seen fish-he even has a couple-but they weren't on the dock with the ferry boat.

Finally, it is time for us to board the boat. He can't wait, he has never been on a ferryboat (that he remembers). When we get to the top, he gets scared and we have to coax him outside. Once he gets adjusted, he really enjoys it. He likes looking out at the water, seeing the ferry "fart", and watching the people. We get off the ferry and start our drive. For once, the kid doesn't complain that it is too far (that comes later).

We get to the fort, go have lunch by the water, go play over by the lighthouse. The kid steps up on the rocks and looks out at the ocean. He giggles when the water crashes close by him. He wants to get closer but we won't let him.

As I am watching all this, I think about how genuinely happy I am. How this child has made my life amazing. In all of my growing up plans, I never realized that having a child-having this child-would change me so much. I can see things through his eyes. I get a little excited when I see the ferry boat too. I am so very lucky.

The feeling of being a parent can't even be described. And the fact that this child is learning from me, he is experiencing what I did while I was growing, and he is giving me such amazing joy. I am finally beginning to see life as it should be. It's not just all about the drama of how I got to this point, but how I choose to make the best use of my time and make memories with my son. I know that he will remember that day. And so will I.

My Move

So, since I haven't been around a lot, I figured maybe it was time to update this. I have exactly 10 minutes so ignore anything that makes no sense. Ready...set...go!

Things I like:
-Not being cranky.
-Not needing a nap due to emotional exhaustion.
-Not having to tell anyone when I have to go to the bathroom.
-Not being up before the sun. Well, not feeling like it is before the sun.
-Getting parking and not taking the shuttle like I thought I would have to. And I have to walk right past Doodle's work so I can visit.
-Not being bored.
-Feeling like I am finally learning something instead of just sitting still. Forever.
-Having to get off my lazy behind and walk forever since I am in the opposite corner of, oh, EVERYTHING.

Things I don't like:
-I think they forgot to update this part of the building. Like, ever.
-Wooden stairs. Yes, I said wooden stairs. They are in the fire escape. Are we seeing a problem with this? Wood + fire=bad.
-Everything creaks and squeeks. And when the helicopters were swarming the last couple of days, I thought they might land on my head.
-Talking about food. All. Day. Long.
-People who understand my randomness. I'm sure they will up here eventually but I am not letting them see it yet.
-The smell of AGF in the morning. There is no good smelling boys up here.

So, I miss you guys. But not the job. See you at lunch, kay?

Progress

This weekend I spent a lot of time with Doodle, his boys, and the kid. We spent 5 hours at the zoo on Saturday and a couple of hours shopping at Costco on Sunday.

The zoo was great. Lots of animals-including the boys. We brought our lunch and first thing sat down to eat. Doodle had packed some chicken, salad fixings, and fruit since he knows and supports my attempts at ass shrinkage. We walked around for awhile but still didn't see everything. There was however lots of "I want to see this! Lets go here! But I didn't do it!" and just about every other phrase that I irritated my mother with as a child. There was a point when I was about to hunt down a zoo keeper for a tranquilizer. For me. The insanity of 3 (4 if you count Doodle) boys was a lot to deal with. I am still not quite used to being surrounded by boys as my family is predominately female. We decided it was time to pack it up as the complaints started to get louder "I'm thiiiiirsty. My legs hurt. My feet hurt..."

When we got back to Doodle's house, he cleaned out the pool and set the boys up so they could attack each other with water guns. I knew I had missed him last week (he had the boys all week so I only saw him on Monday) but didn't realize how much until I saw him again. We all sat down, had dinner and the boys were watching a movie. I was standing in the kitchen cuddling him. He looks down and me and says "I could get used to this". He has said that before but he had a different look in his eyes this time. Then he says, "I could even see the possibility of m-m-marriage".

This is a first. He has made it no secret from the beginning that he was very hurt by his first marriage and had no intent to try again. I knowingly stayed with him since I had no idea our relationship would turn into this. He is completely opposite of my "dream" guy-or so I thought. I imagined I would be with this extremely intelligent lawyer type guy. Someone who worked a lot and would provide for me everything I demanded (and I would demand it). Someone who went to work in business suits. And definitely someone who was not a hairy man.

Doodle is not that at all. He is intelligent, but in different ways. He is smart in saving his money, preparing outings, and making the most of his time with his kids. He is smart in the little things, like knowing which salad dressing I like and how my coffee should be made in the morning. He is throwing a suprise party for my son. He is completely not the lawyer type. He works on arcade games. He moves pool tables. His choice of clothing is shorts, a wife beater, a t-shirt and tennis shoes. And he will be the first to call himself gorilla man.

As it turns out, I am happier with him than I thought possible. All those sappy things you hear about, that's me. I am one of those obnoxiously in love people. I am okay with it.

And apparently his boys are not as bothered by it as we thought they would be either. Like I said, I missed him so the affection was running amuck. I had told Doodle earlier that I would try to keep the kisses to a minimum around the boys. He asked me why and said he didn't think that it was a bad thing for them to see two people who love each other being affectionate. As we were walking through Costco, the boys--his boys--could be heard saying "Okay, then we could have a little brother. And two moms. And two dads. That wouldn't be bad..."

The Talk.

Yup. We had it. Not nearly as traumatizing as I thought. For me I mean.

I asked some other parents for a book since the kid is an inquisitive one and he really likes books. They all recommended this one. I picked it up and decided I would give it to him on the way home.

Me: You know how you keep asking where babies come from?

Kid: Uh-huh.

Me: I got you a book so we could talk about it.

Kid: Oooh! Can I read it?? Can I read it now?? Pleeeease mommy, can I have it?

Me: Okay kid. Here is the book. If you have any questions, you can ask and we will talk about again when we get home.

Kid: Okay! Ooh, the baby comes from the bird and the kitty and the man and the hospital. [flips page] EWWWWWW! That's gross!!! Why are they naked? They should have some clothes on!!!

Me: No kid. Sometimes it's okay. The book is just trying to show you how man and woman are different.

Kid: Oh! You mean like those things you have? The ones above your belly that I am not supposed to touch?

Me: Yeah, just like those.

Kid: OH! I got it! I know how I got here! You decided you wanted a boy and told the doctor. I got in your belly and the doctor told you I was a boy. The you said, hmm, I have to think of a really good name for him. Then you said I know, I will call him mommy! HAHAHAHA [actually says haha and slaps his knee]. No, that's goofy. Then you say hmmm, I will call him chicken. HAHAHAHA [again, saying haha. He really thinks he is hilarious]. I am a silly mom. Then you say oh! I know! I will call him Nikolas. Right? Yeah, I remember that day. It was a Tuesday.

We keep driving and then he says:

Kid: I know how the man and woman kiss.

Me: Really, how is that?

Kid: The woman kisses the man with those things above her belly.

Me: No kid, that isn't true. A woman kisses a man just the same-with their lips.

Kid: Oh, well then what are they for?

Me: When you are a baby and you have no teeth, you drink milk and those things make milk for the baby.

Kid: No, the baby just needs to eat baby food.

Me: Not at first. At first the baby has to have milk.

Kid: Oh, okay. Does the man touch those things?

Me: Sometimes a grown up man does. But none of this happens until you are a grown up.

Kid: I don't wanna be a grown up! Please don't make me mommy! Pleeeeeease, Pleeeeeease, Pleeeeeease!

Me: Well, you want to go to work right? You can't go to work unless you are a grown up.

Kid: Oh, okay. Do we have to give the book back?

Me: No. It's yours. I bought it for you.

Kid: Cool! So if I ever forget where babies come from I can look at my book right?

Me: Yup.

Almost home. I have just about survived phase 1 of the talk. I let him play a little bit and tell him alright, it's time to read the book. So we sit together and read it. He tells me he really likes the part where they are laying together and there is hearts above their heads. He is all kinds of intrigued with the fact that it takes 9 months for the baby to get here. He looks at the pictures and takes notice of how the baby starts really tiny and ends up getting here looking like a baby. I think he's got it. So I ask him.

Me: So kid, where do babies come from?

Kid: Well, they are in the mommy's belly for 9 months and then they come out the mommy's butt.

Me: Well, you are close but not quite. You know how the pictures showed us how men and women have different parts?

Kid: Yeah...

Me: Well, the baby comes from the mommy part.

Kid: No way. It's too small. A baby won't fit through there.

Me: Yup. It does.

Kid: Oh, okay. Can I go outside?

I am so glad it wasn't raining yesterday. And I can not believe my child is old enough for me to have a conversation like this. I swear, he was just this little 6 pound blob with too much hair! For the first three months, he wouldn't go to sleep unless he was laying on my chest. Now he is asking how the blobs get here? I would like to say I'm not ready for it but I guess I don't really have a choice. Just like he doesn't want to grow up, as much as I complain, I would almost be okay with him never being a grown up. I said almost.

Besides, he can't be too close to growing up yet. When I took a nap yesterday he still climbed up and rested his head on my chest.

Ode to the Laughing Cow

Oh, sweet little cheese triangle. How you make me happy.
Only 35 itty bitty calories. 1 Point People!
With all your garlic and herby goodness.
Yummy.

But you, dear cheese, stick to the crinkles in the foil.
I want every drop of the calories but you just won't let go.
I want to lick you but that would be wrong.
I think.

And the cracker? Why must you require crackers?
I just can't resist.
Except I only brought one wedge.
Sniff.

How I love you dear Laughing Cow Light Creamy Garlic and Herb Spreadable Wedge.