I am my mother. Please shoot me.

So, all those things I thought before I was a mom? You know, the I'm never gonna do that to my kid, I'm never gonna say that, my kid won't have a dirty face or a snotty nose...

Oh, to be young and dilusional again.

I have officially become my mother. Last night we came home and had about 15 minutes to eat dinner before Karate. When dinner was done, I called him and had the aunt go get him, but he still didn't come out for dinner. By the time he did, there was about 10 minutes left til the start of class. I told him he could eat half his dinner, then he needed to get his uniform on so we could go. I washed his uniform so I even set out most of the parts with it. He finishes the half of dinner and I tell him to go get dressed. What does he do?

Jumps all over every piece of furniture in our living room til he get to the couch with his clothes. Then jumps on that one too.

He starts to get dressed, then whines that he can't tie it. I tell him that's fine, I will do it, he needs to put his pants on though. He finally does, then sits back down to keep eating. Tomato soup-not okay for eating in the uniform. I tell him to stop and get his belt-he now has two minutes. What comes next?

"Mooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm, I can't find it!" in his most irritating whiney voice (a quality gleaned from me-the queen of all whiners). I tell him, "you wore it, it is your responsibility to keep track of it, I am not helping you. And if your room was clean you would already know where it is!".

Yeah, I went there.

So he "tries" to find it, can't, and I tell him that he can't go to karate now and if he would like to continue whining, he can go to his room. Otherwise if he is done whining, he can sit down and finish his dinner. Then clean his room. So he does, starts on his room and 10 seconds later comes out all excited, "mom, I found my belt". I told him that's nice, he should put it somewhere so it doesn't get lost for tomorrow. But still no karate.

I know, I am a mean mommy...but I felt guilty and gave him cake when he was done.

Baby steps, Okay? I am not well adjusted to not giving him what he wants.

Where do babies come from?

Yes, that conversation almost happened last night. Somehow my kid mentions how babies come from the stomach and says he doesn't want to be cut open so he is never having a baby. I explained to him that he has nothing to worry about but avoid details.

I think he wanted details.

He then asks if I had to be cut to get him out of my stomach. I told him I didn't. He then asks, "well how did they fix your stomache after I came out then?". I stammer, uh, well, um...how bout you watch some cartoons?

See, the TV rot comes in handy for some things. I am so not ready for the baby talk. Maybe I can make his dad do it...

He has to be good for something right?

*Skip this to avoid being nauseated*

Okay, so I can't help it. I am going to get all mushy-gooey-my life is great here for a minute. Or as long as it takes to read this. Maybe it's the face of a beautiful man singing at me (Aww, I love me some Keith Urban) that officially pushed me over the edge. Or maybe it's the fact that I really couldn't ask for anything more.

I have this great kid who talks to much. But he is mine. He kisses my head and gets me water when I am not feeling good. HE takes care of ME. I have always heard it is supposed to be the other way around. But this way is so much more rewarding because I made him like that. I taught him to be compassionate for people. That is an amazing skill that not many adults have, let alone 5 year olds. I love this boy so very much.

And guess what else? Doodle love me. And he says so a lot. Even sends me sappy little text messages and an almost drunk dial (which I not so secretly now listen to every night before bed). It makes me giddy to know that someone feels so much for me. I have never been as happy as I am right now. Yeah, I have no extra money. And my car is making funny noises (not too bad yet). Ooh, and I can't forget to mention the fact that I can't stick to a diet for the life of me even though I know I really need to. But you know what? Doodle loves me.

We had a non-fight on Saturday. And then it was done. He didn't hold it against me, or throw it back at me, or use it ruin the time that we did have together. We had an absolutely perfect day. It didn't require all the stuff we did but it was nice. I know he is proud to me, and will openly admit he likes to show me off. Being the trophy girl for the right man ain't so bad. I can't count how many times he told me I was beautiful. When I call, he answers the phone with "and how is my gorgeous girlfriend today?". I only saw him two days ago, have been texting him all morning, spoke to him last night but already miss him. I didn't know that could be possible. I have always been really stubborn with my emotions but with him, it simply isn't an option. He can see my every feeling without a word being said. I am not a very open person but with him, I don't have to be. He just knows.

So, this is why I love them like no one else. And that's okay. Because they love me back.

Reasons why being a mom DOESN'T suck

So, my kid was very good to me this weekend-except for the constant talking thing. That sometimes gets old. But he was definitely in fine form in the entertainment department.

Here are some highlights of the things I actually caught inbetween the nonstop chatter:

-As we are sitting on the best chair ever, he crawls up into my lap, looks at me, and says "You're cute mom". Ahh, flattery will get you everywhere my boy.
-He is ASKING to do chores. He's just a helpful kinda guy. Sometimes.
-As we are cleaning my room (and he is the perfect size to climb under the bed. You just have to make sure you can still see a leg to get him outta there in case something starts to bite. That didn't happen. But it could have.) he says, "You are beautiful. See, I'm like a man. A man calls a girl beautiful. And since I am like a man, you have to call me handsome."
-And all the random, out of nowhere cheek kisses (after he checks to be sure no one is looking) and I love you's. Ya can't knock all the I love you's.
-He tells the Aunt "my mom needs to hurry up and marry Doodle so I can have a step-dad.". The kid really needs to make up his mind.


THINGS we did that make having a kid not suck:

-Went and saw Curious George (hehe, George). I kinda wanted to see it anyways but now I had an excuse (the kid). Aside-it was very cute. And all the Jack Johnson songs really made me want to dance through the theater. I refrained (barely).
-Had ice cream when we were done.
-Gave him a piggy back ride and just pretty much goofed around all the way to the car. The smile on that kids face made all the ridiculousness of my life not seem so bad.
-Went to the Fun Forest and watched some Irish dancing. Also watched this kid sucker a vendor into going outside and playing Gaelic football with him. If adult men had an ounce of the charm this kid has, no woman would be safe again.
-Went on some rides at the Fun Forest (and lived to tell about it even...). I haven't been on rides since I was around 12 years old. There is just no way to not laugh hysterically as you are going around in circles way too fast to Shakira songs. And the kid kept trying to scoot himself over regardless of how impossible that task was. And the Pirate Ship? My god, I think I am too old for that (but it was still fun). Do you know how high that thing goes? Looking straight down at some pavement just doesn't have the thrill it used to. And the kid sitting next to me again laughing hysterically alternating between saying "I'm scared" and "This is fun! Let's do it again!". But out of all the rides, the one that freaked me out the most was the ferris wheel. I just don't like when things like that make creaking noises.

So really, this weekend was great. And this mom thing ain't so bad either. I got to look through my son's eyes. I got to be a kid again. See how the sunshine makes things a little better. And how a piggy back ride can encite instant giggles. How cool the Irish dancing thing is. And to not worry about anything more serious than what is the next ride we are going to go on. Whether it is his challenges with school, whether work is not my favorite place to be or we are a little short on money, I have a little someone who will always love me exactly as I am. And he will always remember all the fun we had together. That I could give him that is more important than anything else I will ever do.

Cranky and Pissy

I was supposed to write about something and my only thought was how cranky and pissy I am. People should be required to have an IQ-any at all-in order to purchase coffee. Or speak with me. Well, for everyone's sanity, them too. So people on my shit list include:

-Cheap bastards who are just there for the free coffee. No you can't get a tall latte, the paper says tall drip you moron. And it is FREE. Get over yourself.
-Select few in my office building. Nothing further will be said about that but they suck.
-People that clog up the toilets. Okay, so that was from yesterday but it still ticks me off.
-People that say for instead of so.
-Anyone with the name John. And I was actually thinking, really J names should just be avoided. Me and the other girls have all dated J's. That didn't work so well.
-The idiots who don't wipe off the steam wand. Just clean the damn things. Crusty milk is nasty and not something I want in my mocha.


Now for things that don't suck:
-Doodle. He lurves me. He said so. Hehe.

Ahhhh...

I am just too giddy for words today. I can't focus on anything (it's a good thing there isn't much work to be done today). Doodle, he solidified all those gooey girl feelings I had. He came this morning to have coffee with me-and brought me flowers with a very sweet handwritten note.

Definitely keeping him around for awhile.

More action...now with talk!

My biggest complaint about things with Doodle is that he doesn't say much. Not in the how was your day kind of stuff, but in the how we are feeling/what we are thinking kinda way. I had mentioned to him during our conversation how he doesn't say what he is thinking and he reminded me that maybe what he is doing shows a little more. Damn him for always being right.

But yesterday he turned into a talker! Seriously all the right things. He sent me text messages during the day and in one of them asked if I was okay since I only talked to him twice the day before. I told him I wasn't trying to get all mushy and didn't want to bug him. He replied back telling me that I wasn't bugging him, that he liked talking to me and he liked who I was. Then last night he told me that he gets cranky when he doesn't talk to me. From most guys, I would assume that was a line. But from him, since he only says what he thinks, I know he wasn't just saying that to make me happy. It had that effect anyways.

Then he picks on my about how he was gonna just move onto another coffee girl. But then he followed it up with "no, the only thing good that came out of *insert name of coffee company taking over the world* was you".

And while we were sitting there watching TV (American Idol was already waiting for me when I got there. He doesn't watch American Idol, but knows I do religiously. See-more action.), he just looked down at me and told me I was beautiful. I love hearing that from him. It means so much coming from him.

We talked about how maybe, as it was a little obvious from my past relationships, I move things along a little too quickly. Um, I just had that conversation earlier in the day with one of my girls...and I told him I agreed with him. That's why I was attempting to learn patience.

So really, yesterday was perfect as are most of my days since him. It seems like no matter what happens with my day, or my crazy child, he can somehow make it all a little better. It's scary having someone who barely knows you at all know you better than the people who have known you for years.

Patience...what is that?

Um. I don't know that I fully grasp the meaning. That whole saying it idea, well it kinda happened in a roundabout-I-am-so-twelve kinda way. Meaning with a drunken text message. I even slurred while I was writing.

And the idea that I was okay with him not saying it...I lied. Who was I kidding? I am a girl and what do girls do best but overreact especially with something like this. We have been having ongoing subtle (or not so subtle) conversations about this since Thursday. We did the half asleep conversation, then the "did you really say that" conversation, then the drunken conversation, so obviously we needed more of a rational conversation. Or maybe I just like to talk.

{aside-I hate stupid people}

Anyways, so the rational conversation turned girly real quick. My kid spent the evening talking about my ex. Bad. Idea. And of course since Doodle thinks that is the most hilarious thing ever, he proceeds to give me shit all night. Sometimes I can handle it. Last night I couldn't. So I overreacted to his playfulness and we went to talk. I had never told him how bad the relationship with the nutjob was so I decided to let it all out. Tears and all. What a great way to spend the night, huh?

Then he reminds me why he is the perfect man saying all the right things. Validation is great and definitely worked to snap me out of it-a little. Then he asks me if that was all that was wrong. I mutter no and spew out that I am not liking this whole one sided feeling thing. It frankly just sucks ass. And again with all the right things.

He says he could say it since it is just words to him but that wouldn't be honest. I thank him and tell him I don't want him to say it unless he means it. Then he reminds me that actions should speak louder than words and clearly his actions are saying a lot about what he feels...just that he isn't quite all the way there yet. He tells me it's really hard to let someone in after what he has gone through. He reminds me about all the great things that he never did for the ex-wife like opening doors, talking to me on the phone even though he really doesn't like the phone, and the fact that he has never been comfortable in the same bed with anyone-even her. But he is with me. I guess that counts for something.

And he told me that even though he couldn't give me the words I wanted to hear, he could honestly say that he likes me and I am definitely wearing him down. And tomorrow when I call, he will still answer.

For now, I'll take it. And even try to freak out a little less. Maybe.

Trust.

Trust is seeming to be a lot harder to do. And for once, it isn't me with the issue. I have been thinking that the more Doodle "jokes" about me getting back with any of my exes or similar assholes, the more likely it is that he isn't really joking. He talks about it too much for him to just be picking on me. And now I am positive he really believes that could happen.

I have thought he was holding back from me for awhile but it was expected. In the beginning, we discussed that he wasn't ready to even think about being married or having a serious relationship yet because of all the damage his ex-wife did to him. He is one of the rare people who made his commitment, stuck to it, and planned on doing so forever. She didn't understand that for forever to actually happen, she needed to be honest about things. Really important things. And he was put in a position to end the marriage. After that, women were evil and he (for good reason) has a hard time trusting women.

Now, 4 months into the relationship, he has reminded me that he wasn't planning on being in a serious relationship and now he has gone and done it. And the trust issues are starting to creep into our relationship.

I told him (and invited him but he has his kids) that my friend was having her birthday party weeks ago. The party is today so last night I warned him that it was very likely he would be getting a drunk dial call from me sometime this evening. I apologized in advance for anything I may say. I tend to get very mushy when I am drinking. He told me that was fine just not to do one thing or that would put him over the edge. I asked him what was that one thing. He said if I called him John (the name of multiple exes), that was it. I told him that wouldn't be happening as I absolute despise them and am pretty darn smitten with him. He didn't seem too convinced.

So now I think I may need to have a conversation with him about where I stand on this whole relationship thing and work a little harder at convincing him that I am completely content with my bad ass teddy bear of a boyfriend. I have never genuinely cared for someone this much in my life. With the exes, I had to work really hard to like them. With Doodle, I can't even pull off a glaring look without laughing because it just isn't natural for me to look at him that way. I guess this is the over emotional girl in me talking. And while I think it would make me feel better to tell him all this, I don't think it would have the same effect on him.

Talk is easy, like the vows his ex-wife took. It's all about action. And showing him I care this much will take time. I am VERY impatient but I will just keeping working on it. He is worth every single over emotional thought and the hours I spend thinking them. And they are really starting to add up...

Saying "it"

So, I am a little confused by a conversation I may or may not have had last night. Between lack of sleep, a little vodka, and earlier girly thoughts I am not exactly sure if we had the feelings talk or if I dreamt it. The more that I think about it, I am pretty sure we actually had this talk.

I stayed with him last night since my kid went to his dad's house. We just had one of those perfect nights. When I got there, we sat in the kitchen and talked awhile. Just unwound after the day. I talked about my kid and his ability to turn a grown woman into a 5 year old, we talked about his kids and how they almost kicked his ass at bowling. We talked about this great new cup that we have at my work (his brother already got one), all the benefits of my job, just some really easy conversation. It was one of those moments when you just feel at home with a person. I have never had those moments before, even when I was living with either of my past exes . Then we went and watched some TV where I cuddled up to him and promptly fell asleep. When the show was over, he gently wakes me up and says, "dear, are you ready for bed?" and off we go.

While we were laying together he told me that it was very clear that I was having girly thoughts and he thought he knew what they were. I asked him to tell me what he knew. At first he said his thought was that I was sitting there thinking how great he was (which is true) and how he was just too nice and anytime now I would go back to my pattern of dating the world's biggest assholes. I told him that of course the first part was true but the second, unless he tells me to move along, I am stickin' around for awhile. I told him I also knew that that was not what he was really thinking.

Then I just kinda drifted off to sleep. Then I hear him say, "I know what you want to hear but I am just not ready for that.". I remember for a split second being a little hurt but then grateful that he acknowledged that he knows the way I feel, is not pushing it aside or freaked out by it, but just isn't completely ready to let go of himself. And I respect him for that.

Even if I was dreaming the whole conversation.

More sass, less chicken

So, I got my hair did last week. Really great dark hair with thin blond streaks. I was a little traumatized when handing over my card but it was so very worth it. And now I, as well as the non-jerk (who will now be referred to as Doodle 'cause non-jerk doesn't sound very nice), have a whole new personality. Well, more like a redesign of the old personality.

New hair make me sassy. And a little too goofy. Like dancing in a bowling alley goofy and looking forward to the next time the opportunity presents itself. It gives me a back the confidence level that I forgot I had. You know, the one from way back in high school where I knew I was cute and told anyone who would listen. And it also brings out the best in Doodle.

One of my earliest complaints (and amazingly enough the only complaint I have had) is that he doesn't give many compliments. He is just not a talker by nature but a girl needs to now what the dealio is every once in awhile, ya feel me?

I eventually convinced myself that actions really did speak louder than words and he was definitely showing his interest. And not just in the really fun not g-rated way but by doing things like staying out late to go to opening night of Harry Potter (which he doesn't like), holding open doors, spending his day off helping me get a Christmas tree, and other disgustingly cute things that may make the non-girly types want to vomit a little.

Then I got my hair did and Doodle found his voice. I came to his house the night it was done and at first, all he could do was stare. Then comes the words. I lost count of how many times I was told I looked beautiful, sexy and lots of other great for the ego compliments. And even though it is now a week later, I am still hearing it. I love it. I am starting to feel more like the fun loving giddy girl and less like the bitter if I date one more asshole I will have to be relocated to a padded room girl.

Giddy girl is happy. And Doodle REALLY likes the sassy hair in braids. I'm just sayin'...

Hi-yaw!

Last night, my kid got his first stripe in karate. Not the middle stripe that signifies a senior white belt, just a stripe that says he is getting it. I don't remember when I was more proud. Okay, so it was just the day before but that's getting off the subject.

Anyways, he really seems to like karate and so I am hoping this chills him down a bit. I am not ready for another parent/teacher conference. I should have my own parking space by now. And he is only in kindergarten...

Back to karate, I was hoping that something like this would help his lack of focus. So far, he still fidgets a lot but he looks forward to going to karate. And he doesn't act out when he knows if he gets in trouble again, he won't get to go. He listens to the instructor, uses his manners, and can get the actual concepts with a little extra help. The instructor also work really well with him. He obviously makes it known who is the boss around there but can still make things fun. My son laughs more now. Sports are definitely his niche. Besides, what kid wouldn't have fun kicking, running and screaming "hi-yaw!" at the top of their lungs?

I'm just glad that I finally found something he is really interested in. My hair is too cute to pull out strand by strand, which was about a day away from happening.