Kids

Yesterday, I took my on again/off again friend to her doctors appointment. She has been having some pregnancy complications so gets an ultrasound at almost every visit. Yesterday was no different. I had never watched this except for my own with the kid. Since I was the one laying there, with my back hurting and completely uncomfortable for almost 2 hours, it was not the most memorable experience.

Watching this ultrasound was a totally different experience. I got to see the baby. I saw his face, his hands, his legs, his spine, and even his toes. As much as I don't want to be, I am sure I will be just as connected to this child as to my kids best buddy. I know it is totally cliche but this really was an amazing experience. This is now not just a belly, there is a baby in there. A child with a name. The baby already weighs 3 lbs. That is half of what my child was at birth. I know that this child will be loved.


And in other stories, here is why my kid and my niece are adorable. They say the cutest things.

From the mouth of the niece: My sister pulls up in front of the hotel next to the airport where my mom was staying. The niece knows that nana is coming to town. There has also been a lot of discussion on how they will be moving to California where nana lives in a little bit.

Sister: "Do you know where we are at niece?" (sitting in front of the hotel)
Niece: "California".

Poor kid thinks that nana lives at the hotel, also known as California.

From the mouth of the kid: The kid has a problem with getting up early. We put an alarm clock in his room so that he knows when he is allowed to get up. If there is a 7 and any number after, he can get out of bed. Otherwise, he should still be sleeping.

Kid: "I have to go to the bathroom! I have to go to the bathroom! I have to go to the bathroom!"
Me: "Hold on kid, I am almost done."
Kid: "Mommy? Is that you?"
Me: "Yes kid, I will be right out."
Kid: "Oh. Okay. I love you mom."
Me: "I love you too kid."

My Advice: NEVER get a baby daddy

The jackass finally decided to call me back. I have been attempting to speak with him for two weeks now. I have called every other day and even left a note on his car. Today, I am done. I called his work and let them know it was in regards to the kid. He finally decides to call me back. After two freakin weeks.

He immediately starts yelling at me for saying there is an emergency with the kid. I tell him to a) stop yelling at me and b) I never said it was an emergency. If they chose to relay the message to him as an emergency, he should speak to the dispatcher about that. I just said it was in regards to the kid, and it is. I tell him that he now has to give me $560 for the summer camp and since he has not given me anything all month, I would be requiring him to pay for all of it. He asks that I pay for half. I tell him no, that is not going to happen. Regardless, he is required to pay $486 a month and how I choose to spend that is at my discretion. As he paid nothing for last month (his rationale, he has had him the whole month therefore I have no expenses related to the child. Never mind the room that still belongs to the kid, his clothes, his birthday expenses, school items, haircuts, etc.) I tell him I expect the entire $560. In all honesty, I am owed $972 so he is getting off cheap on this deal.

He says that I mentioned something to his wife about him staying the extra month. I told him that I said that as he was choosing not to pay but it is not really an option. I am not comfortable with a 14 year old child watching 3 (or 4) children regardless of the fact that it is his brother. And my child needs to learn how to be in a structured setting before he starts school in September. He tries to argue that he is doing things, therefore it is structured. I tell him the kid doesn't have a schedule (ex. baskteball from 1:30-2, swimming from 2-3:30, etc.) so this is not what I call structured. That needs to change.

But all of this makes no sense to him. He is a parent. He is being a responsible parent by NOT paying child support, but also not even spending time with him. He is responsible because the kid is at his house and not mine. The kid is being watched by a 14 year old kid-but it's okay since it's his brother. My son isn't spending time with his father. He is spending time with his brothers.

I want to scream at him. I want to make him understand that he is missing everything about my son. He doesn't know anything about him. He told me they are making him go to bed at 7:30-8 because he gets snotty when he stays up too late. I already know this. He has been like this since he was a baby. He doesn't do well when he is tired and when he plays, he plays hard so he needs more rest than most kids. He is missing his whole childhood and he just doesn't get it. My son (nor any of the other boys) doesn't have a dad, they have a father. I wanted more for my child. You could say I wanted him to have what I didn't even though what I had wasn't too bad.

So I guess all of this isn't even really about the money. It's about his oblivion to such an amazing human being that we've both created. I am proud of my son and I know he is proud of me. He loves me and I know that he loves his dad as well. I just wish his dad got the same glee out of his children saying "I love you" as I do. But that will never happen.

So here is my advice. Think really hard about who you are with. Think about five years, or even ten years down the road. Think about what you want for yourself and then decide if they fit that role. If you are adding children in there, think about them. Imagine what might happen if for some reason it just doesn't work. How committed and dedicated to you is your significant other? Is that going to be enough for someone who needs to be supported (meaning the kid)? Think about the type of person they (and you) are. Is that the type of person you want to have a duplicate of? Because as much as I love the kid, I can only hope he doesn't turn out like his father. Or in other words, the baby daddy. I am doing my part but sometimes that just isn't enough. Hopefully I am wrong.

Back up Ladies...

This is my man. Uh-huh. I know you want him in all his goofball glory.

But really, I had an amazing birthday for the first time in awhile in part because of this man. I just can't get over how different this relationship is from any other.

My past birthdays (when I had boyfriends) included one guy telling me how beautiful I was. Nice, huh? Oh wait, that was the boy who had just broken up with one of my best friends. He had been hitting on me then entire time they were together. We finally got together shortly after said birthday, dated for two months, I trusted him too much, and had my first taste of how trashy men can be.

Then you have the baby daddy. It was tradition for me to go to Oregon. It had been that way pretty much since I turned 18. He was invited to go but chose not to because he "had" to work. Cause you know, two days off is just not acceptable. When I got back, he got enough shit from the roomates and neighbors that he had a "party" for me. That would mean I got some dead roses (they started that way), 2 mylar balloons and I think my gift was a necklace. I know I am sounding ungrateful but the only reason he even did this was because he got yelled at by the female neighbor. He was pissed off at me so he wasn't going to do anything. Thus was a guilt party, not done out of any sense of caring. If he had even tried, it wouldn't be such an issue to me.

And finally in the bad chain of birthdays you have last year. With the nutjob. He liked to talk about what he was going to do but never any follow through. I got flowers for my birthday and $100. Sure, cash is great but for someone you had been dating for over a year, you would think he would know me well enough to atleast pick something out. The cash didn't even come in a card. And I got one day of him cleaning up after himself and not yelling at me to do it. One day of him cooking dinner instead of me. And one day of him not being an ass or lovingly (not) referring to me as a bitch. Things returned to normal the next morning.

Now for this year. I spent an entire weekend being happy. Happy with him around and even with him not there. He got everything I wanted and barbequed for a whole lotta people. My friends and family (the ones that I like anyways) all showed up. We chatted and it was just a nice easy time. No stress, no freakouts, just plain no drama. Everyone seemed to have a good time. My son came home and all the kids were having a good time. My kid gave me cheek, told me I was the best-twice-and at of nowhere told me he loved me. I usually try to celebrate my birthday without my kid but this year, it wasn't really necessary. I was surrounded by people who love me. And you can't help but feel good with the backyard is full and you know they are they because of you. Even the ones that want to step on kids and are afraid of dudes (Hi!) ventured to my ghetto. Just because I asked them to.

The rest of the weekend was the same. Even though it was hot as all getout and there was a whole lotta stink happening, I felt okay. My Doodle loves me, my family loves me, my friends love me. It's nice considering last year, I wasn't sure that I would ever be in this position. Even though I was with some one, I was still alone. And now, since Doodle, I always feel like there is someone there. It is different when it isn't family. But I guess now he kinda is...

Oh, and the suspense is killing me. He apparently wasn't done and has another present for me (which he has to get. With all my demands, he didn't have time.). He is bringing it over today. He said that whatever this is, I can't compare it to anything else. I can't try to match it with gift giving. I have absolutely no idea what he is getting and I can't wait for the end of today...

Nice people make me happy

Since I seem to be a whiner a lot (whah, I have to wear a dress. whah, my job sucks. whah, my boyfriend is a jerk. Wait-that's not true!) I have decided to share a nice inspiring store about someone who doesn't suck.

This all goes back 6 years ago. I had just left the baby daddy and started working in my very first Coffee Giant store. I hadn't found out at this point yet that he was worst than the average scumbag (cheater) but we were separated. About two weeks after I started there was when I found out.

Almost everyone was the same age as me (or close to it) so we all got along very well. While we were cleaning store, or making the mocha, or grinding the coffee we obviously chatted about a lot of things. Me being one of them. We talked about all the weird stuff happening to my body, the jackass AKA baby daddy, how I was all on my own now, I would not be going back to him, and how I felt awful that I had to live off of my mom. They all sympathized with me and somehow made the situation a little more bearable. All my co-workers were amazing, even before the complete picture was obvious. After they found out the latest drama, the boys (including my boss) threatened to kick his ass and the girls were nice and sympatic.

I decided which date would be my last one at work and let them all know. I was going to try to work a week longer but unfortunately my body had other plans. I worked until 3 days before I had my son (I was supposed to have two weeks til he was here. Didn't happen) and was on bedrest for those 3 excruciating days. Seriously, you try not being allowed to go any further than the bathroom for 72 hours. You will go insane. I'm talkin' you can't even make your own sandwich. Bad.

Anyway, one of those 3 days, a girl from work came to visit me. I was so excited to see someone I was not related to. This girl had only worked at our store for about a month so we didn't know each other very well. But she lived about 1 mile away from the house. Apparently, she had told her church people about me-the 19 year old soon to be mom with bad taste in men- and they all collected some baby clothes. I'm talkin 2 or 3 garbage bags full of clothes. Some of them brand new.

I was shocked that all these complete strangers were willing to do something that meant so much. Then the girl went back out to her car for another box. She came in with a brand new stroller. This was far more than I could have imagined. I didn't have a stroller. My family got the smaller items but no one-myself included-could really afford to spend $100 on a chair with wheels. She purchased this for me out of her own pocket. Her I-only-make-$7.25-an-hour-but-am-giving-that-to-you pocket. I barely knew this girl and unfortunately, I don't even remember her name. But the fact that she did that for me and my son meant more than anyone could imagine. It's these things that make me realize that life really can't suck that bad.

Another good thing also came out of this. When she came to bring me the stroller, she brought her brother with her. Apparently, he had been doing all kinds of drugs and was quickly going downhill. After I had my son, the church had collected some more items. The girl wasn't around so he brought them to my house. The kid was only about 5 days old. He held the baby and you could see something change in his eyes. He was in awe of this child (as was everyone else) and was amazed at the experience I had. He left and I didn't see him again. The girl later told me that after he saw the baby, he realized that that was something he could have. That was his chance to do something important and meaningful. He stopped doing drugs completely and was preparing to be a parent himself. He went back to church. He was back to being her brother again.

So moral is, my life really doesn't suck. Some parts of it maybe, but as a whole I wouldn't have wanted things to be different. People have helped me so much along the way and I would like to think I have helped them too. And to all of you guys, thank you. Thanks for making me take back shoes that hurt, offering my your allergy medicine after my kid went to the baby daddy's house, and for the random aisle jigs that always make me laugh. You guys also do not suck.

Oooh! And you know what else makes me happy? MY BIRTHDAY! And ice cream cake that was supposed to have a penis on it but instead has a Teddy Bear with lots of pink.

Commitment Phobic

I am talking about me here. And not in the commited to Doodle kinda way. I would commit to that dude in two seconds flat. I'm talking the everyday kinda commitment. You know, the little stuff.

Like committing to clean. I actually chose to work extra instead of go home to cleaning. And I do not like work. My house isn't really that bad but I couldn't just say I am going to clean and do it.
Or going for walks. I even bought the shoes. And the walk really isn't all that difficult. I have no reason not to go besides I don't wanna. I even at one time decided I was going to Florida (even bought the tickets) but backed out. Granted, there was hurricanes coming and the nutjob was really not keen on the idea but still, absolutely no follow through on my part.

So this is my problem. I don't know why I can't go through with anything. Okay, that's not true. If I am not good at something or am slightly uncomfortable, I won't even go for it. Which boils down to the confidence that I should have, but don't. Considering where I came from in the confidence/personality sense, I have come a long way but it's just not enough to me. I want to be able to say I am doing something and have no qualms about it. So that is my plan.

I am gonna start this plan with the dress. The really fun pretty dress. I never, ever, EVER wear them. The last time I wore one was in May 2005 for my friends wedding. I was in the wedding so I had no choice. And I have committed to wearing heels (but the ones I bought hurt) so I may go with baby steps-heels for the wedding, sandals for the reception. See, no commitment.

He's a man

Between all the baking and sweet stuff Doodle does, I sometimes forget that he really is a man in the stereotypical sense.

Last night as we were leaving the German Bar he tells me it was well worth it for him to go pay the bill. He gets that nerdy I-am-a-12-year-old-boy look and says, "Blondie rubbed her boobs against my back". I started to laugh at him. I already caught him earlier checking out her ass as she walked away. He then tells me, "Don't worry. It wasn't just her boobs I was watching. I am an equal opportunity watcher. I looked at all the women. Even the older ones." He then opens the door for me to get in the truck. And of course as we are driving says, "Don't worry, yours are the best".

This whole situation completely amuses me where I am pretty sure most woman would get their panties in a twist. A couple of months ago I would have been too. But I have come to realize that is just not acceptable (or exceptable as some would say) to have that much anger towards something so natural. It is just how we were made. And why would it be okay for the two chicks at the table-including me-to be enjoying the men in the bar but not for him to enjoy the woman?

Bottom line is you can look but you can't touch. And I am finally secure enough in a relationship to actually mean that. Besides, it has to be a little less doggish and man-like if he is buying me dinner, opening my door, and dealing with all the last minute insanity without any gripes. The last minute insanity alone fully entitled him to a little boob watching. And my god-hers were huge!

Rage

Being on Cloud Doodle has done pretty well in keeping my sanity. But I am slowly starting to feel it slip away. Between work, the impeding family attack, my birthday, and my kid being daddified I think I may just lose it.

Right now, I am so tired of people I would seriously trade this job with something-really anything-off of the show 'Dirty jobs'. If you have never seen it, you may not want to. Unless you have a couple of bottles of wine. For some reason, the show is amazing then. Especially when you don't like wine. I would even do the chicken poop shooting job right now (it's actually called chick sexer). Atleast I would be handling cute little chicks all day-even if there was shit all over. Then it really would be getting paid for doing a shitty job.

The family attack kinda blends right along with the birthday thing. My mother is coming to town. I love my mother so that is great. However, the fact that all my family will want to see my mother will be a problem. If you don't have a family like mine, you wouldn't understand. And I don't honestly don't think there is another like mine. Let's start at the top and meet all the players:

*Grandma and Grandpa-divorced for longer than I have been alive. Yet both still attend all family functions. Grandma has had a boyfriend before but it is clear grandpa still loves grandma.

*Aunt 1-this is the smart who got while the gettin' was good. She got married at 18 and moved away. First to Idaho and apparently that was too close. She now lives in Tennessee with her two kids (16 and 14). The 16 year old is a mini-me-but smarter.

*Mom-we have this issue the therapists like to call "co-dependecy". My mom is a prime example of it. Hence my slack ass sister will be moving back with her. Clearly the co-depency is also genetic as I speak to my mother atleast once a day. Sometimes more. She also had my sister who is a 24 year old child. We don't need to get into how ridiculous she is. We all now.

*Aunt 2-this is the one I live with. I am her mini-me and she is a lifesaver. I don't know what I would do if she didn't move back up here. Well, yes I do. I would very likely still be dating the nutjob, defending my child's skin tone, losing my voice because of all the yelling or sitting in my room as a horribly depressed shell of myself. All this would be happening while his ex sleeps on the couch.

*Aunt 3-this is the one married to the 600+lb man. She has self esteem issues which sometimes flare up at family functions. And she brings this man with her who generally treats her like crap. For the first time in 6 years, she got roses from him last month. This is the only gift she has ever been given from him. Nothing for birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, etc. Not only that but he is not capable of taking care of himself and is just generally not respectful. You know that creepy guy who doesn't understand that there is a time and a place for everything? Such as grabbing boobs? He doesn't quite grasp that Easter is not the time to honk my aunt's girls.

Now for the uncles:
*Uncle 1-This one is a tow truck driver. The baby-daddy was a tow truck driver. The whole profession makes my skin crawl. And this uncle is the one known for borrowing money and never returning it. He also has the common law wife who is seriously whacked out. She is a hypochondriach. This week she is diabetic, last week it was depression, I am pretty sure at some point she had ulcers. But I suppose you can't really blame her-her parents name her and her identical twin Rita Jean and Rena Joan. I couldn't make that up if I tried.

*Uncle 2-This one is also a tow truck driver. See above for full explanation of problems with that. And an undercover drug addict. And has done some other shady things that are just not appropriate to discuss.

*Uncle 3-This one is also a truck driver. Yep, all of them. For the same company. They all smell like dirty and grease. And come to family functions wearing said dirt and grease. Ew. He used to be a plain old truck driver and decided to convert to a nasty tow truck driver. This one is also only 5 years older than me. That would be younger than my boyfriend. By a lot.

Converge all this together, plus cousins, mix in a few extra's (my family unofficially adopts lots of people) and you have about 30 smelly, loud, dirt wearing, cup shaking, "stop doing that" people. All in my house-we even have to re-arrange the furniture to fit everyone in for said invasions. And when they leave, there will be grease stains on my floor. Damn.

And did I mention this will be Doodle's first meeting of my mother? Uh-huh. It's a good thing he is not a jackass. I don't think my mother would ever let me date again if he was.


Then there is my kid. I miss the little snot. All the kisses. And I love you's. I even miss his non-stop chatter. LOTS of chatter. Maybe that is why I am having such issues with being at work now. With my child gone, I don't have any reason to deal with this crap. My child is being fed and housed by someone else. I don't have to find a babysitter. I have no responsibilities. I could just go on vacation (but I won't). But bottom line is, I miss my kid.

Now, now. Don't get carried away or anything. I am so not getting him back from the daddy yet. It is just strange to not have the little booger around me all the time. And don't say anything, but I kinda miss the word "mommy".

Hmmm.

It's official. I am the last one to reach the final growing up stage. On Saturday, my friends wedding dress came in. She looks absolutely beautiful.

I keep very few friends close to me and this is one of them. I have known her since 7th grade. I was always jealous of her because she was a better flute player than me. As we got older, we started to talk a little more. I was always quiet in school and she was one of the few people I spoke to. We survived drivers-ed together. She went off to college, I had a baby. When she got back from college, we just picked up where we left off. It was like she never left.

Since she works in sports management, you have to take what is given to you. That meant she was working in Indiana. On one of her visits back, she told me about this man she had met. She was only going to be in town for a couple of weeks and he was quite a bit older than her. She was interested in someone else at the time. But for some reason, she found him very interesting and all of her other friends were insistent that these two were together even though they weren't. They spoke a lot for the few weeks she was here. He took her on a date but she was clueless. She took her brother along with them. They continued talking while she was halfway across the county working. After a couple of months, he went out to see her and they came back together.

For the first time, I could see she was happy. She spent all fo high school (and some of the years after) with someone who didn't appreciate her. The man she will be marrying loves her. While they may argue, that is definitely clear to me. He makes her laugh and do happy dances. For that, he is amazing.

I can't help but to wish I was in the same place. I want to be the one wearing the white dress. I had given up hope for myself but now I have my own man who makes me do happy dances (even when I am not drinking). Lucky for me, this man is doing the same happy dance right beside me.

So, for now, I am just going to look on and smile at her. She deserves this and I am ecstatic that I get to be beside her while she goes through this experience.

And I also get to see a preview of Doodle in a penguin suit.