And...Freakout...NOW!

Wow. What an awful picture of me. But look at that kid. Look at his smile. And his big eyes. You can see how happy he is-with a little bit of mischief. He is such a beautiful child. Fro and all. (If you look closely you can see sunglasses hiding in all that hair.) And he is going to be gone for a month. Now I am beginning to freak out for real.

All I could think about before was WhooHoo! A month of no parenting. No telling a little body "we are not far enough from the house that we can't turn around". No more quietly laughing as he eats the shrimp in his salad. He hates shrimp. Or him eating the onions after saying "no vegetables, right?". I might go insane.

The last couple of days I have been trying to prepare him for the long daddy visit. This is the longest he has ever been away from me. And obviously the longest I have ever been away from him. I have taken care of him on my own (well, I have a lot of help from family) since literally the day he was born. Now someone else is going to be the one to get sneak kisses, not me. He is going to change so much, and I am going to miss it all.

Now that I think about it, maybe he has spent the last couple of days preparing us. He has been making sure we know he is there. He has been saying things like "you are gonna miss me, aren't you? And I am your only boy right?". And now I am crying. I mean, I have allergies.

Okay, I'm better now. No more crying-for a minute.

But yeah, I am gonna miss that boy. And I might go crazy. Please take nothing I say personal over the next month. And if I randomly bust into tears (which could happen), just ignore me. I just talked to the kid before the baby daddy took him. He said "I brought Mater with me. Okay mommy, I am going to daddy's house for a long time and you are gonna miss me and I love you."

The freakout has officially begun. Atleast there is way too much sugar and sprinkle coated chocolate sitting within 5 feet of me.

Seriously?

Please, if you ever have children and end up in a baby daddy/baby momma drama situation, do not use the kids as your gopher.

During our great weekend, me and the kid hung out at the lake with Doodle and his boys. I was shocked (and almost blinded) by how pale these children were. Like whiter than my legs, which haven't seen sunshine for 20 years or so. Doodle slathered them up with the SPF 45 sun block. We were at the park for about 6 hours and unfortunately, he only put the sun block on them once. Their backs got slightly burnt. And by slightly I mean maybe an eighth of how bad I was in my whiney post. But being as their bodies have never seen sunshine, they were bothered by their burns. Doodle gave them cold showers, aloe and all the usual stuff after a sunburn. They tried scrubbing the pink off but it didn't work. They just hung around their house on Sunday (and did not go outside because of their backs). Doodle felt awful.

Then yesterday, he goes to pick up his kids and the oldest one runs out to him with two letters from his mother-who is standing on the porch and can't even have enough the decency to actually deliver him the letters herself. This woman is the epitome of what a woman should never be. He knows that atleast one of the letters will be about the sunburn. Smartly, he chooses to wait until the boys leave to read the letters. He knows he will be angry by them.

One of the letters says that the boys will no longer be attending the same school as they did before because her of move to another city. The other said that the hospital requires her to have a copy of the medical insurance card and had requested it when she took the youngest child to the hospital on Sunday where he was diagnosed with 2nd degree burns. Are you kidding me?

If this really happened, a concerned mother would be calling the other parent to bitch them out while they are at the hospital or shortly after they leave. Doodle also had his kids on Tuesday so again, if this really happened why would she wait and not tell him of the hospital visit until Wednesday? Or why wouldn't his kids say anything about it? She is a stay at home mom so there was really nothing which required her to take so long to write a letter to him. And the telephone was invented for a reason. I just don't understand women like this.

She is so angry at Doodle even though they have been divorced for over 3 years now. And the end of the relationship was due to her actions. Why would a woman/mother be so evil as to put her children in the middle of this? According to Doodle, earlier she would have told the kids what to say. He let her know that was not appropriate and if she had something to say to him, she should say it herself. Now she just gives him letters. How is this effective parenting if you can't even speak to the other parent of your children? FOR 3 YEARS. How does she not see that she is making her children feel bad? They love their father and should not feel guilty for wanting to see him.

And this makes me angry. She has no right to treat her kids-or Doodle-the way she does. If she hadn't been a lying wench who almost made them homeless, her and Doodle would probably still be together. And he would be miserable. But he would do that because he believes it is important for his kids. How does she not see that and why does she continue to punish all of them?

I guess the point of this is really-well, she is a bitch and I am glad I am not like that. Or I don't think I am. And if anyone else ends up in this situation, act like a responsible parent and think about the damage you are doing to your kids before you make them tell their daddy that he is a horrible person because they got a sunburn.

Mondays. Blech.

I had such a great weekend, I strongly considered just calling in sick this morning. But then I remembered I have an attendance problem, I don't have enough sick time, and I am just a little too poor for my own good.

Friday we decided to pretend like we weren't the whitest white girls ever. My sister married a filipino man so she makes some awesome chicken adobo. And what's adobo without pancit so I got a recipe and learned how to make that. Just to shake it up a little, and completely go off the path of the filipino food, I had a craving for some california rolls and decided I was going to try to make those as well. Off we headed to the Great Wall grocery store. We had to look very carefully at everything we were buying. If it didn't have directions in English, we didn't buy it. We got all kinds of yummy stuff and spent the next two hours cooking.

See, this is why we are hamburger people. Throw a patty on the George (Foreman that is) and 10 minutes later you have dinner. Even though it took so long, the food was very tasty and I was certainly impressed with our abilities. And my ability to not punch my sister in the head for no reason other than she has been acting very stupid lately.

On Saturday Me, the auntie, the kid, and my niece all headed over to Doodle's so we could go spend the day at the lake. As usual, we were running late and didn't get to his house until almost 11:30-we were supposed to be there between 10-10:30. Oops. The 4 us of us and him with his boys all packed up headed to the lake. Luckily when we got there, we found parking and a prime spot in the grass. A little shade and some sun to go with it. The auntie and I took the kids all down to the water for a little splashing around. Doodle came to join us for a bit after getting all our stuff settled. During this event, I learned a very valuable lesson. You should never try to pull someone who is bigger than you into the water. Chances are, you will land on your butt. Literally. We went back to our spot, ate some yummy bbq and chatted a bit more. Back to the water and some more splashing.

Sunday we took a fun sporadic road trip. Me and the auntie decided it was too hot to be in our house. And she has the jeep so what better thing to do than drive the jeep somewhere. We decided to go up to Mt. Rainier. I forgot how beautiful it was. We stopped at a bunch of lookouts, had lunch while looking at the scenery, played in the snow in shorts and flip flops, got sprayed by a waterfall and took way too many mountain pictures. The views are absolutely amazing. It was such a good use of a day. When we got home, I headed over to Doodles to spend some cuddle time.

And now it is Monday. Yuck. I am sitting in a 4x6 foot space apologizing to people when I am really not sorry. It is bright and sunny outside and I have all this artificial light streaming over me. I want to be back in the mountains (this time with Doodle). I want to not feel my shoulders getting tighter and the crankiness setting in. I spent all weekend happy. These fake walls do not make me happy. And they make me think about what I was doing last year at this time.

I was kidding myself into believing I was in a happy relationship. Empty promises galore. We were supposed to go to the mountains, and the beaches and all kinds of road trips. Apparently, he was embarrassed to be seen with me because of my weight. I was taking all kinds of emotional abuse because I thought that was all I could have and was too stubborn to end something I knew wasn't right. Lucky for me, I finally did swallow my pride, temporarily move into someone else's house, and get on the path that worked for me and my son.

If I hadn't have left him when I did, I would not be where I am right now. I would not be with Doodle, and I wouldn't be able to see the sunshine and think how happy I am. When I am not in this freakin building.

Eager

Again, I am having a patience problem. And I know that I need to calm down, take it slow, relax. Blah, Blah, Blah. In the words of a 5 year old, I don't wanna. I think my biological clock is going haywire. The damn thing just won't shut up.

Everytime I am with Doodle, I realize more and more how much I want to be with him. Only him forever. In all of my years of dating, I have never believed that who I was with was someone I wanted for the rest of my life. Until now.

Last night was an example of how things would be. We went over to his house, all sat together and had dinner. After dinner, the three boys all went outside to play. I sat in the lounger chair on the back porch with my feet up. Doodle stood in front of me to block out the blinding sun and tell me how beautiful I was. Over and over. We got caught by my kid sneaking kisses. The kid went into a panic of giggles and kept yelling that your dad is kissing my mom. His boys got irritated and pretty much said we don't care, now kick the ball. Doodle then went inside and brought me some iced coffee. We made a date for Saturday for all of us to hang out at the lake all day and have a picnic together.

It's starting to feel more like a family each time we are together. It's a nice feeling. I was beginning to seriously believe that my life would forever be just me and the kid. I'm sure there are worst things than that, and that some people might be content to be on their own forever. I am just not one of those people.


And on another note, here is my now first grader (with his big eyes and mini 'fro):

Too much stuff..

*Warning-this could be very random, make no sense and quite possibly even be whiny.*

1. My kid is a first grader. I don't know how this happened. I am pretty sure I just took two weeks off because he wouldn't stop talking and getting in trouble. Now he is no longer a kindergartener. I am kinda sad. This means he is officially getting older and so am I. I remember thinking when I first had him how it would have been nice to be able to stay home with him until he was in school full time. That didn't happen (which is probably a good thing) but he is almost in school full time. And he has muscles. Defined arm muscles. I am not sure how this happened so I asked him. He tells me it is because of all the heathy stuff I keep feeding him. I'm not really sure pizza counts as healthy but I will let him believe it for a little while longer.

2. The kid told me, the auntie and a friend that he wants Doodle to be his dad. He has slipped and called him dad before (this was when Doodle's kids were there so I think it was a slip). I am half tempted to tell his jackass father. Maybe then he will actually pay attention to his child. But that is doubtful. And the kid likes me to call him 'honey' because that is what I call Doodle.

3. My ass seriously needs to shrink. I went for a walk yesterday with the auntie and friend. It was a beautiful walk. We went on a nice paved trail that went through streams and all kinds of shrubbery. I was huffing at about a quarter mile. We stopped and turned around at about 3/4 mile. So I walked a mile and a half and was done. That needs to change. The kid was jogging ahead of us (and was adorable I might add). The whole trail is 4 1/2 miles and we have a goal to be able to walk it all. Eventually that will happen.

4. But before the walking happens, I need new shoes. I knew my shoes probably weren't gonna work so much and I definitely wasn't wrong. I have two blisters on the bottoms of my toes, one on my pinky toe, and am sitting at work right now wearing my pink fuzzy slippers. I love my pink fuzzy slippers. I do not like blisters. My only consolation was apparently we have a foot bath. It has massagers and heat. Ahhhh...

5. Did I mention I had a first grader?

Father's Day

As we have discussed, I am lacking in the male parental role. This Father's Day however was a whole different experience. I got to see lots of varieties of fathers. And none of them were related to me which is a new change.

The only positive male figure I had in my life was my grandfather. He is an amazing man. He chose to be with my grandmother although she already had 5 children. She later came to have 2 more with him. He has always been a little too smitten with my grandma which would be cute. Except they are divorced. And he makes her crazy. But they still sit side by side at all of our family functions. I am not sure how he was as a father but as a grandfather, he is great. We call him Papa Smurf because he is so short. He could always be found watching the races or pretending to be asleep (then kicking us as we walked by). If I had to have one male in my life, I am glad it could be this one. Usually the aunties will take him out for fathers day. The tradition continued this year.

Then I had a son. And he has a father. And that is all he can really be called. My son spent the weekend including Father's Day with his step mom. And was not returned to me until 8:42pm. He was supposed to be home at 6pm and goes to bed at 7:15ish. He is an ass. But I am attempting not to whine. Too much.

Then there is Doodle. He is an amazing father. He had his boys from 9-6 and gleaned every minute from them. He danced in the car with them. And barked along to "Who let the dogs out" on their favorite family friendly station-Radio Disney. On more than one occasion, his boys snuggled up against him and he easily swung his arm around them. No concern with making them "wussy boys" just him making sure they were loved. Both of the boys just randomly came up to him and hugged him across the belly while saying "I love you dad". I seriously almost had tears. I am such a sap.

Then there is Doodle's father. 3 generations of Doodle boys all in a room. He makes jokes. Tells stories about things they did when they were younger. Friends they have gone to visit. He is sick but you can see how much he loves them all. He has his coughing fits then just continues on with what he was saying. He is a fighter. And I have a feeling these boys (and his wife) are why.

This year I got to sit with a great family that was not my own. There was no dysfunction. No yelling. Everyone was content just to be together. No drama. No excessive craziness. No stepping over people on the floor because we are out of chairs. I love my family but this was so nice. A chance to be celebrating good fathers.

Growing up

I am now part of a wedding party for the second wedding in less than two years. The Gabster has finally met someone who is close to worthy of her. Fred was married in May of 05.

I first met the Gabster in 7th grade. She was always the 1st chair flute player. She played sports. She seemed like such a confident person. I could never imagine being that-or that we would be as good of friends as we are now. Lots of years have passed since then. We survived middle school, band trips, drivers ed, high school, her moving away to college then coming back, me dating stupid men, getting pregnant at 19 and lots of other stuff. Even when we weren’t speaking daily, I knew she would always be a friend.

When the Gabster got engaged, it was done perfectly for her. The Brown Guy arranged for a really large chunk of family and friends to meet at the Seattle Center in front of the fountains. He works down there so it was the perfect cover. He told her they needed to pick up the tickets to the fair from his work. She thought nothing of it. All of us-about 30 people-hid in a stairwell and waited for the sign. When they got to the fountain, The Brown Guy ushered us up. The shock on her face was amazing. She had no idea what was going on. He turns to her and sweetly tells her, "I brought all our friends and family here so they can be present when I ask you to spend the rest of your life with me." He gets down on one knee and says, "Will you marry me?" and opens the box to her dream ring. It was a beautiful day and she was so happy-after she got over the fact that they weren't really going to the fair. He promised that there would be lots of years for them to go to the fairs. He has already starting making good on those promises.

Fast forward a year or so, and you have us know. I have been with her to bridal shows, trying on wedding dresses, all the frustration of not finding the right one, FINALLY finding the right one, ordering the dress and so much more. She was with me through a really ugly break-up which led to the beginning of my relationship with Doodle. He was friends with The Brown Guy and has been for 14 years.

Now as we are planning her wedding and talking about our relationships we also talk about the future. The issues that she has with The Brown Guy and all this wedding madness, and the issues I have with Doodle. We talk about kids. My decision that I am having no more. Hers that she is now required to have the girl I didn’t get. As we are talking about all this, both of us can’t help but think, ‘When did we grow up?’ ‘How did this happen?’. It seems like just yesterday we were talking about our stupid band hats and all the cool stuff we could do when we finally got our licenses. Now we are talking about being married and having/not having babies? It’s all so serious. If you would have asked me a year or two ago, I would have said I wanted to go back to when we were kids. Now I don’t really think that is the case. I kinda like this adult thing (shh, don’t tell my mother). I like being responsible, and making decisions for me, and best of all having someone to really stand by me on those decisions. People who choose to love me, not ones who have to. Lucky for me I have that in the Gabster, Fred, and Doodle.

Kids

When I though about being a parent, I never even considered it would be like this. Throughout the whole 9 months of hell (pregnancy-we do not belong together) I could not wait for it to be over. I wanted to see my child. As I casually once mentioned, my biggest pregnancy fear was that I would have an ugly baby. One of those babies who always got the "awwww" from others but you could see the pained look on their face. I was positive that would be my child. Luckily, I was wrong. The kid is beyond adorable.

With the cuteness comes a price. The kid regularly makes me insane. He doesn't eat vegetables-actually starts each statement involving food with "no vegetables, right?". He never stops talking. And I actually mean never. Like even in his sleep he talks. He has way too many questions, has absolutely no boundaries or censor button on his brain. He asks questions like, "why does your mommy love another man?" with the daddy sitting right there. It makes dating a challenge.

But then we have days like yesterday. It was the kids first swimming lesson. When we got there, he was not in any way interested in getting in the water. Actually had the begginings of a fit. I tried prodding him in and then decided the best thing for me to do would be to leave him with the instructor. It is her job to deal with kids like him, right? I went into the office of the pool and took care of the payment. When I got back to the pool area 5 minutes later, he was already chatting the ear off the instructor and had made friends with the two other kids in class-splashes and giggles galore.

He was having so much fun. He was getting much more confident around the water. The teacher had them practice putting their heads underwater. He did it like a champ. I don't know what got into him after that, but he got up some courage to try taking his feet off the ground and swimming under the water. The kid is a fish. He had no problems-he was actually swimming! He pops his head up from under the water and has the biggest grin. You could see how proud of himself he was. He excitedly has the teacher watch. Then one of the kids. Then the other kid. The he yells at me, "Mom!! Watch this!!" and does it again. He comes up again-still with the big smile-and gives me a thumbs up. I completely melted. I also had to contain myself from turning to any stranger who would listen and telling them that was my kid.

They tell you this will happen when you become a parent but I always though that was a lie just like the one they tell you about pregnancy being a magical experience. It's your kid so you have to love them right? The difference here is loving this child is not a have-to experience. Days like these it's a want-to experience and helpless-not-to experience. I have no control over loving this kid. And I am fine with that.